SUMMER LIGHTNING

C-G-Am-F
C-G-Am-Dm C-G-Am-F-Dm
C-G-Am-Dm

Aleph to Beth.
Why make it hard when it isn’t hard?
We’re just booze on the Devil’s breath.
We’re just shards of a larger shard.

CHINA AND AFRICA MEET
Capo tasto: 4th fret

Aish
Aish-Em-G-D
G-Bm-D-Em-D-A

Above, a cistern’s filling up with rain.
I’m gonna drop in love with you again.

I sing of men
By mistresslessness slain.

MONROE
Capo tasto: 2nd fret

Em-Am-D7 C-G
Em-Am-D7 C…
G-D-Am-Em-C
Em-Dm-Am

Norma,
Your boys
Been bad boys
A hundred years before you were born.
Billy
Said Teddy
“treats peace
As…blubberlike…gray twilight.”

LONDON (APB)

by WOLF S. JENKINS (You can't keep this wolf from the door…of the newsroom!)
& EMMA BROCKES (If it ain't Brockes, don’t fax it…to the newsroom!)

It looks like the answer to the US and its allies’ difficulties in Iraq can be summarised in just one word: “Do It Again!”

"The mosquito of fashion carries the malaria of conformity."
Witnesses said it was almost as if it had been written down on, like, eyelid cuecards or something. "She just came out with it" said one. We asked this witness if she could say the same thing in the present tense for a headline quote. "No problem," she gasped. "She just comes out with it." "Perfect. Do it again for the second edition."

- "What with the spectacular scenery,
the butterflies, birds and the greenery,
Joan, it's been a really-"
- "We must return yearly."
- "Yes, I'd have to agree, Joan, it's been a re-"

Everyone who is not a total log will remember where they were and what colour the toilet paper was when they read the following headline in these pages: “Band Members, Poets, Limerickicists Or Whatever ARRESTED”. It exploded like a man into our mouths on 16th December, 2006. The story, if memory is still a brow-mopping, cap-tipping, oh-yes-massering slave to this writer’s will, ran like this, exactly like this:

What a luncheon! Stick some ice in my ass! When did I leave? Wednesday afternoon? And it’s what now? Friday early evening? What a pricking luncheon! Feast on my boulevard! I’m going to HAVE to take the Footage (and you, dear eyed reader, and you) to Caesar’s Appendix in Bloomsbury. The menu (“Is Sir’s meal finished?” “Finished? I’m only on Page Four!” I actually said that! And the question too, OK, yes, but the lad was scarcely 30 seconds out of Slovenia) set lips smackin’ like it was bathtime at Abu Ghraib – I have no idea if that is offensive, sense-making or neither, and I don’t much care. I don’t read or watch or surf (surf! as a verb?!) our culture’s News baths. I’ve always been a strict Murdochian in such matters – the Chinese know what they’re doing.

RADIO 4
PROGRAMME DETAILS
DESERT ISLAND DISCS
7th January 2007 (rpt. 12th January 2007)

Kirsty Young's castaway this New Year is the popular journalist and television presenter Kate Thornton (born February 7, 1973 in Nuremberg). She is best known for ITV’s The X Factor which she has hosted since 2004. Precocious from birth, she became the youngest ever editor of Smash Hits at age 21, though she left after only a year. Her early years in Germany laid the foundation for her success and gave her a confidence performing in front of a crowd and a genuine racial interest in people and their lives. For someone so young and professionally situated in the world of pop music, Kate’s choices might provide a surprise for the listener.

Fallon Speer & Alan Glans reveal what was in our Christmas stockings this morning, as they go through this Yuletide’s best-selling gifts and pick the best of the bunch.

Well, it’s certainly been a great Christmas for innovative presents! And this year’s theme can be summed up in just four words: pornography. Most popular have been celebrity sex tapes with fun, festive titles. Hollywood leading man Russell Crowe’s energetic “Crowe’s Nuts Firing On An Open Chest” is proving to be the sales king. Although the reissue of Dolph Lundgren’s lost 80s classic “Rude Dolph The Red-Hose Raped Her” is a welcome blast from the past, if just a little corny (he burns a woman’s breasts off with hot coals and, in a scene reminiscent of Dolph's recent "Dirty Crusades", rapes several Rabbis) – all in all, this is for granddad, rather than that sexy uncle you've had your eye on. For connoisseurs comes “Merry Wristmas” by Bumbadier Productions (the folks behind last year’s war poets pun-porno “Brooke Owened Up To Sassooning Her Rosenbergs” and the racist hit of the summer, “Congo Lacuna”, with its instant catchphrases, "Fuck me with your sexlength!" and "You will calculate my longitude, midshipman...with your ass!" and "Know my boat, saltwhore!").