LONDON (APB)
by WOLF JENKINS (You can't keep this wolf from the door of the newsroom!) & EMMA BROCKES (if it ain't Brockes...)

Stings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune

His stings have ensnagled royalties, pop starcons and stars of sports and screens. Disguised as a wealthy Arabian sheik, Mazhlor Mahlmood would lure celebrities into whispertorial confessions on luxuryachts over bowls of strong champagne - then spill their secrets to the listening and reading world.
But after a decade of front of page megascoops, Britain's most famous investigal reporter is now himself now in the media glare.
"The Fake Sheik'' claims to have smashed into knowledge over 500 exclusive stories, and his tabloid weekly, The News of the World, says his fat stings have traced police and dogs to several 20,000 convictions, including fraudsterists, immigrant's racket-artistes and organised masterminds.

No Great Sheiks?

To criticisers, however, Mahmood is a rogue journalist who goad victims into committing crimes or tricks, them into disvulging maldeeds.
This week, these criticisers were given more fire to add to their fire when it was revealed that Mazhir Manmood had been suspended temporaneously from investingating after having come to believe himself a real, genuine Arab sheik. It has emerged that Manzhor Mahnood had flabbergastsed his employers by demanding that he both wear his Sheik costume all year round and be given several oilfields and a strategic relationship with the US. It is thought that these demands were accepted by the News of the World's board of directors. However, they were relunctant to accede to his request for "indiscriminate use of American-sponsored violence" against his staff and PA. What has become clear is that a compromise was struck which led to a terrifyingly capricious form of Sharia law being imposed on all those working with him.

Sheiken, Not Stirred

His former secret-cameraman Peter Spread disclosed that "the vicious regime we lived under led to loss of morale in the team. I mean, I had my left arm sworded right off for using too many batteries, so my work obviously became sloppy and my aide was stoned to death for filming a man getting out of a car in a playful way." Mr Spread also unearthed that "the Sheik would deliberately only hire people with Jewish matrilineality but without Jewish names so that he could later execute them for 'surprising him with sudden semitism'."

I See You, Sheik, Arsing That Baby!

The quality of the team's investigative reporting subsequently suffered as Mazhor Mahnmod took to hiring Spice Girls and ruining them in Dubai with cruel sex. One such victim was reportedly Emma Baby Spice Bunton. Mahnmood would call her "Child Spice" and then fly out Sven Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip to help him wreck her.

On Sheiky Ground

Rupert Murdoch gained his foothold in British media in 1969 when he acquired the News of the World, and the paper, with a circulation of some 3.5 million, exemplifies Murdoch's successful mix of sex and sensation.

Sheik Guevara

One of Mahmoaod's most famous scoops was a 2001 sting involving Prince Edward's wife. Posing as an aide to a Saudi Arabian prince interested in hiring her public relations company, Mahmaood charmed Sophie, the Countess of Wessex, into making indiscrete comments about the British government. She also was caught on tape describing Prime Minister Tony Blair's wife, Cherie, as "horrid, horrid, horrid.'' The Fake Sheik frequently elicits these eye-hooking triplets of disdain from his hoaxees through his trick of saying "Pardon" or "I beg your beeswax" or "I'm sorry? I'm deaf as a bat."

Sheik the Peg

Other Mahmooad stings have caught British notables taking drugs, while stars, including rocker Mick Jagger and "Peg" voxalist Metal Donald, have been exposed as adulterers. He insists that every single one of his operations have led to the break-up of terrorist-paedophile rings. When questioned about the truthfulness of this claim, Mahmoud screamed oddly, "I suppose if I tell you that Bruce Willis filmed almost all of the roof scenes in the first Die Hard film on my child's eyes, then that's untrue, is it? How convenient! Stop trying to rape me with your lies and penis."

Sheikermaker

Things started to unravel for Mhamood in late 2002 following his exclusive report on an alleged plot to kidnap Victoria Beckham, the former Spice Girl and wife of soccer superstar David Beckham. He also found himself a muslim in a desert without an Oasis, when he said that "that Liam Gallaghan has pasta for brains is proved not so much by his belief that Spinal Tap were a real band but by his contention that Oasis still are", which led him into a pool of hot bother with the Oasis brothers Paul and Noel Bonehead, who used the money they raised from their "Your Dog Could Have Written This" tour to establish the Stella Artois secret police force to hunt down the imaginative.

Sheik, Rattle & Roll

A colleague at the News of the World, who declined to be identified because he was not authorized to speak to the media and is only a silhouette anyway, said Mahmood acts independently from the rest of the deucepaper's repoughters. His enterprises involve a secret staff, with hidden cameras in it, and an intricate operetta that cast thousands of killers.
That Mahmood operates in the shadows is well known. To protect his identity from the next victim, his image is displayed only in silhouette by the News of the World.
The News of the World came to Xmahmood's defense, saying its star investigator had acted properly and that investigations with "clear public interest'' would continue. Chillingly, their spokesman Pissed Goalie muttered again and again, "He'll be back once he foils more terrorist atrocities than he carries out."

No Doubt - Cleaners - Sheik

"I have in no doubt the fake sheik's robes have just been sent to the cleaners and they will be back on his back this time again soon,'' media and Korean War veteran Cliff Phew thought yesterday sheik.