Fallon Speer & Alan Glans reveal what was in our Christmas stockings this morning, as they go through this Yuletide’s best-selling gifts and pick the best of the bunch.

Well, it’s certainly been a great Christmas for innovative presents! And this year’s theme can be summed up in just four words: pornography. Most popular have been celebrity sex tapes with fun, festive titles. Hollywood leading man Russell Crowe’s energetic “Crowe’s Nuts Firing On An Open Chest” is proving to be the sales king. Although the reissue of Dolph Lundgren’s lost 80s classic “Rude Dolph The Red-Hose Raped Her” is a welcome blast from the past, if just a little corny (he burns a woman’s breasts off with hot coals and, in a scene reminiscent of Dolph's recent "Dirty Crusades", rapes several Rabbis) – all in all, this is for granddad, rather than that sexy uncle you've had your eye on. For connoisseurs comes “Merry Wristmas” by Bumbadier Productions (the folks behind last year’s war poets pun-porno “Brooke Owened Up To Sassooning Her Rosenbergs” and the racist hit of the summer, “Congo Lacuna”, with its instant catchphrases, "Fuck me with your sexlength!" and "You will calculate my longitude, midshipman...with your ass!" and "Know my boat, saltwhore!").

The spirit of Porno-Santa has even penetrated as far as etymology, with Jonathan Green’s publishers repackaging his celebrated “Dictionary of Slang” as “Dictionary of Schlong”. Jonathan (reluctantly, it’s rumoured) posed naked for the cover but couldn’t, ahem, rise to the occasion at a last-minute photoshoot. The lack of a hard erect penis on the cover has certainly affected the book’s sales.

But this year’s gift-fun hasn’t been all sex-fun. The fun of death is never far from festive minds and, this year, death certainly didn’t exclude the children! There was the usual variety of deadly acids and flesh-eating bacteria on offer but the top seller by a country mile was “The Death Penalty For Kids”. This is an eye-popping interactive experience for little ‘uns, featuring “The Lecky Chair”, “The Naughty Seat” and “The One Where You’re Stabbed With Chemicals”, in which the cast of Friends arrive to help you get the job done.

Even culinary tomes were served this year with a soupcon of sauce! Labour PM John Reid’s accessible cookbook-for-cannibals, “Foreign Muck: A Taste for Arab Flesh”, will certainly spice up many a Christmas dinner this year. Have an imam on us!