Everyone who is not a total log will remember where they were and what colour the toilet paper was when they read the following headline in these pages: “Band Members, Poets, Limerickicists Or Whatever ARRESTED”. It exploded like a man into our mouths on 16th December, 2006. The story, if memory is still a brow-mopping, cap-tipping, oh-yes-massering slave to this writer’s will, ran like this, exactly like this:
‘"A crime of the heart and a cardiac arrest", quipped Brewster Pensen of The Footage to the press as he was dragged into a police van or Pig Wagon or Janet Reno Espace or Fuzz Truck or Panopticon Pantechnicon in the early hours of this morning in Whitehall. Also among those arrested after a limerick-themed party that, it is alleged, spilled into the Cabinet Room of the War Rooms, were poet and hallucinatrix Joy Stein, elegist R.X. Leaf, Susie Grossman, several members of the band Left With Pictures and another apparently innocent, though a shade lycanthropic, man who shouted "I'm Napalm Toast! I'm Napalm Toast! I'm Not Fucking Spartacus! I'm Napalm Toast!" until police decided to arrest him too. Band hubsman Edward Bearnaise has been unavailable for comment. FULL STORY TO FOLLOW WHEN MORE DETAILS ARE KNOWN...’
It is the last sentence that I would now ask you to slobber upon with your syrupy eyes and pultaceous brain. All done? OK.
Although the police have waxed decidedly ponderous in their investigations (a superintendent has now apologised to Edward Bearnaise, explaining that he was under the mistaken impression that “Brewster Pensen was black and had therefore been questioned to death while in custody and thus we’d need stalling-time in which to erect the necessary fabrications.” Thank you, Superintendent.), the facts are, and the truth is, in, and out, respectively. Here are a few of the best – and I forewarn you, some of these are just totally fucking classic facts:
The whole arrest-fracas took place not in the Cabinet Rooms under Whitehall but inside a private bioresearch laboratory. This, it transpires, is the site where all Tony Blair’s faeces, sweat, urine, vomit, mucus and saliva etc. are stored. In the words of the man who is in charge of the man who perms the PM’s toilet brush, “It is more Tony, basically. And that has to be a good thing for the country. It’s fluids and so on that have been in Tony and that are now free but must, I think, be caged as well as being free. Hence the guarded lab. Tony calls this stuff ‘Bonus Tony’.”
It is also thought that Mr Blair's bodily rejections are being retained for the much-vaunted National Inheritance Historical Relishment Institution, a successor project to The ‘Millennium Dome’ Dome. Intriguingly, all of this “Bonus Tony” is available to all current members of the cabinet. When questioned as to what “available” denoted in this context, the government spokesman was unforthcoming but did admit that the Rt Hon Geoff Hoon MP (52) liked to roll around raping his three children in it until they “just became too ripped.” She added that Bonus Tony could be used to make a “lovely big ‘mud’ bath” and that “when he’s down at the lab, Peter Hain always jokes that we should bleed Chris Smith [former Culture Secretary and first MP to reveal he is HIV positive] into a vat of Bonus Tony and pour it on Iraqi babies to give ‘the whining little shits’ AIDS. He then laughs, winks and blows on his diamond ring, whispering 'Kaffir Crystals, Baby'. He's, you know, quite good fun. Like David Milliband. Whenever you ask how he is, he always replies: "Nothing's fine - I'm torn...Imbruglia, yeah." Oh, and he calls his brother's penis "My Trusty Lever Arch" when he gets it out at policy meetings and uses it to hold down documents and memos.”