LONDON (APB)

by WOLF S. JENKINS (You can't keep this wolf from the door…of the newsroom!)
& EMMA BROCKES (If it ain't Brockes, don’t fax it…to the newsroom!)

It looks like the answer to the US and its allies’ difficulties in Iraq can be summarised in just one word: “Do It Again!”
When Condoleezza Rice, Jack Straw, Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and Tony Blair flew out of the Middle East on Wednesday after a tour of the region to mobilise support for the White House’s controversial new Iraq strategy, Arab diplomats were left terrified.
Two of the US’s most important Sunni allies in the region – Egypt and Saudi Arabia – gave bemused backing to the initiative whilst covering their ears with their hands and wailing, while a third, Jordan, reiterated the need for Iraq’s Sunnis to be given a greater role in their country’s political processes, whilst covering their ears with their hands.
Although precise details of the new strategy are unconfirmed, what is clear is that it would involve immediate withdrawal of all allied forces and then, within a month, full redeployment, following a massive onslaught from the air. The re-bombing strategy has the working title “Operation Aw Shucks” but it is thought that the Democrat-controlled senate, while not opposing the general thrust of the plan, prefers “Operation Crazed Genocide” and that the two parties will eventually agree on something like “Operation Provoked Bear”.
One of the necessary consequences of US withdrawal will be the re-imposition of the strict sanctions regime that was in place from as long ago as 1990 until as recent ago as the liberation of 2003 and was only unhelpful in a life sense to a mere 1.5 million Iraqis.
Last night, Mr Youssef, Mr Moussa’s chief of cabinet, said Ms Rice accepted the fact that this new savage military action alone would not halt the bitter sectarian conflict that makes Iraq so unattractive. He added that there was caution about whether the words could be translated into action. “Action is a complex language. It’s hard to translate words into it and vice versa. Sometimes the most prudent course is just to say nothing and kill everyone.”

VIEWS FROM ACROSS THE GAMUT OF THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM

Christopher Hitchens, magazine writer: “I wanted to christen the enterprise “Operation Reculer Pour Mieux Sauter” but I’m willing to lose the name and win the fight. I, in sharp point of fact, and indeed focus, or pre-focus, if you prefer, I was arguing for re-playing the liberation even before the first gulls of freedom were dispatched. March 19th 2003, I believe it was or were. I, I, I, I, frankly, I feel it can’t happen too many times.”

John Ashcroft, who’s changed: “It’s coitus interruptus pour DVDA!”

Eric Joyce, Labour MP: “This is good news for Tony Mr Blair. I do believe that this re-liberation will consti- mean the legacy, the true legacy for Tony Mr Blair. Not the liberation of 24 million people in 2003, but the liberation of 23 million people in 2007.”

Dr. Denis MacShane, MP for The Henry Jackson Society: “All the reasons we provided, in my view generously, for the invasion are now even more true. Terrorism links, WMD, failing state in desperate need of foreign aid. All this is now undeniable. I don’t mean blow on my trumpet but some of us saw this before it was there. We have to push the facts along…with our minds. Look, I’ve actually been to Iraq I reckon and I can tell you that whilst I was there my thinking cap never left my minds. I’d look at the piles of shredded children and think, We need a top-down reformist economic model that can sew these useless scraps of brown flesh into dynamic entrepreneurs.”

Vincent Cable, Lib Dem MP: “This is a very delicate matter. A period of unthinking agreement would seem to be appropriate now. Only later can the party adopt a position of vigorous silence. But who knows? Events may intervene and those of us who have always entertained doubts about the whole direction of this foreign agenda might be forced to embrace a kind of random fecklessness.”

Alastair Campbell, former Press-Secretary With Michael Portfolio: “I was completely surprised but also, of course, totally expecting it. Tony will get that 2nd UN resolution this time. And Britain will follow him into the chamber and then into the sands of Iraq and time. In a way, it’s pure Tony. Only Tony could make another triumph out of a triumph. It’s time for all of us to raise a glass of Bonus Tony and drink deep.”

Rocky J. Suhayda, Chairman of the American Nazi Party: “I like where this is going. Sometimes, the old tunes really are the best tunes. It’s pretty inspirational, to be honest. The ANP have actually contacted the UN statistics bureau to inquire as to whether there would be enough Jews available for, you know, a kind of reunion. We know there are enough blacks, gypsies and handi-, sorry, disabled people, so we could do it with or without. But we’d love to have another go at it. At them. These are good times, fun times. How's it go? Well I've been thinking 'bout all the places we've surfed and danced and all the faces we've missed, so let's get back together and do it again! Bah-bahhh!”